Rollercoasters

Today is the first day I think I've allowed myself to feel the full weight of what's happening with mom. To really acknowledge the tired and the sad. I have been going full steam ahead on team cancer sucks and I haven't taken the time to really "feel my feelings". Which was nice. I actually slept in and did very little all day. Except allow some Ben and Jerry's indulgence.
They have moved mom from ICU to the cancer wing of the hospital. That is at once amazing and terrifying. I'm trying to stay focused on the fact that she has improved so much that they were able to move her. To compare, ICU was like a 5 star restaurant of patient care, attentive and anticipating her every whim; where we are now is like Pappasito's it's nice enough but sometimes you have to make some noise to get decent service.
Because her disease incapacitated her in such a quick and severe way she has suffered a lot of trauma. From surgeries and disease and now chemotherapy. It's hard for her care team to grasp that just mere weeks ago she was an active contributing member of society. That has been the major struggle of the week is getting her care team to see who she is and how to best help her.
She's very confused and overwhelmed and if I could take this struggle away from her I would. The truth is though it's her fight and all I can do is be there as much as I can and let her know she has lots of love in her corner. I've heard that cancer is like a roller coaster, it's up and it's down and that is certainly true.
Mom's doctor said it's normal for her memory to come and go as she heals. Which is really hard for me because there are times when I don't know if she recognizes me. I have to be very deliberate in acknowledging that this is a blessing too as its brought me closer to her than we have been in years and our bond is stronger than ever. Even though she is confused I know she realizes that I am there and that's a comfort to me.
She's sitting up which is a new development. It's not for long and it's obviously exhausting to her. yesterday when I went to hug her goodbye she tried to lock her arm around my neck and hitch a ride out of there! So I know she's ready to be up and better just as fast as her little body will let her. Asking for continued prayers.